Telling Things

The day I left for Medan, I had a funny
surprise from our pet hamster couples, Sparky and Joseline.. Nice names hah… My
daughter Vi gave them the names, saying that she was so good at giving names
and the ones she’d chosen were much better than my sister’s twin babies’ names
(Xavier & Nathania – Vi said Xavier was such a difficult name to call..
hahaha…). “Maybe Alin-ii should consider asking me to name her babies”, she
said. Kids…

Anyway, that morning, as I woke up to take my
bath and getting ready to go to airport, I wondered what it was that my hubby
and maid were talking about frantically. Oww.. the hamster gave birth to
seven.. yep.. seven babies (what do you call baby hamster – hamstring…? Hahaha…),
and the more funnier thing was that, Sparky was the one hanging around them.
Still feeling amazed and sleepy, I wondered, “Why does Sparky tend to HIS
babies?” Then it hit me, “My goodness… Stupid… Sparky is a SHE!! No wonder it
got fatter and fatter all this time, she was pregnant! Idiot!” So, you see by
now, all this time, my kids and I had been calling ‘supposedly-male’ hamster
“Sparky”, while the ‘supposedly-female’ one “Joseline”, which actually should
be the other way around. It feels really strange to do that, and so, Vi gives
them new names, Sugar for Sparky (she is white), and Latte for Joseline (he is
brown). Ouch… it still takes me some time to get accustomed to that now. So
far, we’ve lost two baby hamsters, the first because being bitten by Latte (we
didn’t separate the babies from him at the first place, forgive us for our
ignorance), and the second one, don’t know much. Maybe because of getting wet
when we left them to be taken care by a friend’s maid when we were going abroad
(the hamsters were all wet and orangey – too much wet carrots around them? –
when we got them back and they were the first thing we tended to when we
arrived at home from the airport). But fear not, we still have five others, and
they’re holding on, although their mom had refused to take care of them…
(irresponsible Sugar… Grrrhh….). They’re getting bigger now, hope we can bring
them up well.

Latest update: (28^th June 2008)

Poor li’l guy didn’t make it. After fighting
for weeks, the tiniest one joined the previous two to another realm. May it be
free from sufferings there. Broke my heart though, having seen it fought so
hard for its life, with its tiny weeny body (compared to its siblings), and I
think there was also a broken leg. I wish I could do more to save its life,
guess it wasn’t enough then. Well.. the other four are now sharing the same box
with the parents and so far so good. One is particularly active, jumping around
while running, almost ran out of the front door of our house (hahaha…) Luckily,
we caught it back in time. Life is precious, so treasure our lives, and other
living beings’.

Don’t know about the rest of people on the same flight as me, but I feel lucky to be able to travel such a long time hehehe…

Yesterday (Sunday) I completed my trip from Jakarta to Medan, which usually takes 2 hours time by plane, in almost 10 hours. My flight, which should be at 8.00 am was rescheduled to 10.40 am, which is okay, coz the company called to inform me on Saturday. When we were already boarding the craft and ready to take off, the captain said that there was an accident at Polonia airport where an airbus hardlanded and had flat tyre which caused the airport had to close down for all flights. The plane was kinda stuck on the runway and cannot be removed (geez.. some airport ha..). We had to wait about 15 minutes to have the confirmation to go. Then, off we went… soaring to the sky. When it was about the arrival time, the captain announced that Polonia airport was still closed for another 2 hours, so we couldn’t land and had to divert our flight to Padang, the nearest airport available. I was kinda like, “yeeyyy… Padang…”. You see, I’ve never been to Padang, ever. But I like the ‘dendeng balado’ verrrryy much, you know, with the beef and chillies, mmm.. yummy…

Anyway, we stayed in Minangkabau Int’l Airport for almost 5 hours until we could take off again when it was almost 7pm. Finally, we arrived in Medan at 8pm.

I felt lucky to be able to stop over at Padang, even if it’s just walking around the waiting room in the airport. At least I got the  chance to taste the authentic “Nasi Padang” (literally) in Padang, but not the “Sate Padang” though.. hahaha… (c’mon… don’t you have other things to think about other than food?). Although I spent some money buying gifts (snacks I mean) for my mom & sis in Medan, I could see how our transit there made the merchants to feel lucky too. I felt happy all the time there despite the long and uncertain waiting time. I felt like I was on a mission to share happiness with other people, to put my Dharma into practice which was: focus on the present time. So, I tried to cheer up people, talking with them etc. I felt calmness, warmth, there wasn’t a little bit worry or fright. I thought about my friends in Jakarta and Medan, my family, and sending them happiness and good health in my mind. Hehehe… I was silly, right… Maybe it’s because I’m learning to accept change and loss and suffering and deal with them. So, one day, when my time comes, I hope the people I left behind will understand this impermanence law also, and be happy for me instead of being sorrowful.

So… that trip marked another ‘adventure’ for me, new record (10 hours) for Jakarta-Medan trip by plane. Anybody has more-than-usual-trips please feel free to comment here. Who knows, yours was more exciting than mine. If you didn’t feel like that before, you should reflect back, and find the bright side of that trip. Next time, when your trip doesn’t turn out to be as scheduled or as you’ve planned, breathe in, breathe out, calm your mind and feelings, smile, and get ready to embark on a special surprise journey. Find your peace everywhere…

BE HAPPY!!!

I thought this
year I didn’t have anything rrrreally special during Vesak day; well.. I was
wrong…

Last year, it
was the first time that I could go to the temple to celebrate Vesak with my
whole family (see last Vesak’s blog). This year, my husband was out of town, so
it was just me and the kids. Since the service would take a long time, I’d
rather not take the kids along. I went alone, by myself, solo. During the
rituals, nothing happened like last year which made me cried. Mostly maybe
because I’ve known some people from the temple and it made me felt surrounded
by friends. And truly, I WAS with my most lovely friends. So, the thinking of
that made me enjoyed the moment in a more peaceful, happy and calm feelings.
Except when the abbot reminded us of the earthquake disaster in China and
tsunami in Myanmar, I started to feel goosebumps all over my body. But just for
some short moments, compared to last year.

Last Saturday
(24/05/2008), I took the kids to another temple where they held bazaar with
lots of games for children and colouring competition. I enrolled Vivian (my
eldest daughter) to the competition. Guess what? She made the winner (for the
8-11 y.o. category)!! Yeyy… That was the first time she ever wanted to join a
competition (amitofo….. after all the attempts I’ve done to make her believe in
herself and that there’s nothing to be afraid of, winning or losing is not the major
point to compete; I just want her to put her skills in practice of what she’s
been learning. After all… I paid for her drawing lessons, right…? Hehehe…)

Frankly, there
were not many competitors, and mostly were smaller kids who didn’t go to
drawing tuition. But, in a positive way of thinking, I hope that was a like
confidence-booster for Vi in the future events, that she can do big things if
she really wants to. Well.. I must also learn to be more creative in educating
my kids now. I hope I can have more love in my heart and mind, so that I can be
calmer and mindful of them. May we all be happy…!!

A few days ago when I was reading
a booklet about “Living Together in Harmony”, I ran across the word ‘Kalyanamitra’.
As I read on to see what it means, I found that it IS a very sweet, nice word.

Kalyanamitra means: friend in (dharma)
practice, spiritual friend. It’s a friend that helps us to walk in spiritual
path. We are happy if we have a friend that supports, protects, helps us to
move in an understanding and compassionate path, the path that brings others
happiness.

When we have such friend, we
should do our best to keep him/her in our life. This is the kind of friend we
mostly need. He/she will prevent us from going into the darkness, who holds our
hands that we can carry on our way no matter what happens.

I thought about it, and the
images of some people flashed in my memory, and I realized, I DO have my
kalynamitra, maybe even more than one. I felt so lucky to have these people in
my life, that help me in my journey of life. They were always there when I
needed them to ease my sorrows, and I could always share my happiness with them
too without being shut out or jealous at. I hope I will always have them as my
kalyanamitra in this ongoing journey of our lives. And maybe more and more
kalyanamitras will emerge for me later. I hope I am a kalyanamitra for some
people too..

How about you… Have you found
your kalyanamitra(s)? Will you be a kalyanamitra for those around you? After
all, to be compassionate, to put Dharma into practice, will make this world a
better world, don’t ya think..?

First
of all, wish you have/had a happy, inspiring and enlightening Vesak Day.
This year, as always, I’ve been very looking forward to Vesak Day, until one
day (some two weeks ago), I was like reminded by a suhu that said, “Make every
day Vesak Day, so you will always remember Buddha’s teaching and be happy and
peaceful.” Woww.. of course! Why not? Great idea! Great truth instead! So, I
read more, and tried to practise more. Read books about Buddhism (dunno how
much of them was imprinted on my memory hihihi…), practise patience, tolerance,
compassion, anger-management, all sort of things to help re-build my positive-and-happy-easy-going-self.

So, this year for Vesak, I think my resolution is to be a better person again,
to walk in Buddha’s path no matter what. If last year during the ceremony I
cried, this time I am able to control my emotions. I tried to focus more on the
meditation part, to learn to be calmer and let go of all the earthly/heavenly
problems. However, I still got goose-bumps when we were reminded of the
earthquake tragedy in China. Flashes of bodies trapped underneath collapsed
buildings played in my brain. I was beginning to feel sad and depressed when my
memory recalled something from the books I read (hey… something hooked on too
afterall.. hehehe…).

As
Thich Nhat Hanh said in his book (No Death No Fear), “Everything is just
manifestating”. So, I think it’s okay to feel the sadness, to mourn for the
losses, but then, deal with it, face the reality that everything changes. From
being in a human form, we die and take another form, be it water, earth, fire,
or air. We are not the same but also not different. When the condition is good
enough, we become, but when it’s not possible, we hide and wait, that simple.
Just like Buddha said, there are no birth and death; no coming, no going; no
similarity, no difference; no permanent self, no extinction. We just think
there are. So when we can understand that we can’t die, we’re freed from fear.
This is a big relief. We finally can enjoy life and respect it with a new point
of view. What’s there is manifestation and the end of manifestation, so another
manifestation can emerge. (hey.. this is me quoting the book, not me speaking
on my own… I wish one day I can, though…)

Well…
after remembering that, I quickly reshape my thoughts, and regain conscious
mind again, then I didn’t feel sad anymore, just prayed for the wellness of the
victims, dead or alive. (wish I can be a social worker someday, maybe when the
kids are older).

After
that, went to lunch with some friends from the temple. Laughed a lot, that it
made my cheeks felt tight and cramped. I suddenly remembered, it’s been a long
time since I had such a good laugh. Thank you, my dear friends, for all your
efforts and jokes, that reminds me it takes a lot more work to laugh than
frown. I told myself to remember to laugh more often from this day on, be happy
for myself. After all, “it’s all in your
mind in your mind…” (oops.. I am hearing Anggun’s voice right now inside my
brain hahaha…)

HAPPY
VESAK DAY AGAIN… EVERYDAY… May all beings be freed from sufferings and
englightened. May all beings be happy… May we realize impermanence… Live to the
fullest!

In this time of desperation, my spirit was lifted again when
we celebrated May’s 3^rd birthday. Yep.. My little girl has stepped
into another stage of her life. My fruit of happiness, my guru of patience, has
brought another joy for me. Everything seemed to melt away, the anger, the
fatigue, the bitterness, when I saw all the kids gathered, sang ‘Happy birthday’,
blew the candle even before May did (luckily we had enough matches), cut the
cake (some poked it with their little cute fingers), and ate the cake happily
that their mouths were covered in cream, hahaha…. Kids… They really are the
apples of our eyes, aren’t they.. So, I’d like to stop and take a moment to
pray, to be thankful for everything I have, be it good or bad. I think again,
and indeed, it’s all anicca – everything keeps changing, nothing stays the
same. I dug out old articles, some books, and tried to put some senses of
enlightenment into my head. I even meditated, not long of course, with all the
kids and door bells ringing. I finally came to believe in me again, feeling a
little spirited to move on (or is it because I know I’m gonna be on my own for
the whole week..? Maybe..)

Anyway, I read this little book at night, ‘The Road to Freedom (Jalan Menuju Kebebasan)”, by
Ajahn Chah. I was reminded again that our thoughts were still at first, until
all the mental forms that we like arise, affect our mind and make us suffer.
When they are the forms we like/adore, our minds immediately bound to the
pleasure. So, while suffering is the rough form, happiness is just a softened
form of suffering. Being happy or not is the duty of our feelings; while the
mind is only attached. Here’s what the mind should do: KNOW, separate happiness
and suffering from your mind. Then the mind that is mindful won’t hold on to
them. Like a house and its occupant, they are related but separated. If the
house is on fire (as if the happy feelings and suffering arise), the occupant
will realize it and run out to save himself. House and its occupant, mind and
feeling, are two separated issues.

I suddenly had this thinking, did I finally manage to
control my mind, somewhere, somehow, even just a little bit, that makes me
feeling some kind of emptiness inside me? It seems a little hard for me to get
carried away nowadays, be it happy or sad conditions. Am I learning to let go?
Hopefully I did it right, I don’t want to hurt the people around me.

In the end of the day, I think I would like to try a little
more harder, a little more longer. After all, I believe I’m not the ‘give-up’
kind of person. I must push myself to the limit. So, like what I’ve found in
the “10 secrets to unlocking ‘The Secret’ guide” , we must want something for
it to happen too. So, I think I must get used to the idea of ‘wanting something’.

Somewhere, some time, we stumbled across love in our journey of life. Be it our parents, children, friends, lovers, soulmates, or somebody we don’t even know, and for some, other people’s love. We’ve got all those special kinds of feelings, happiness and sadness, love and hatred, peace and uncertainty, all mixed into our body, heart, mind and soul.

Recently, I’ve heard of broken-hearted stories, and tried to mend the broken hearts. Got them into senses, but sure will take time to heal. May time be on their sides, and happiness will once again cuddle their hearts, stitching the wounds. After all, there are lots of kinds of love, aren’t there? So, I learned my lessons too along the way. I learned to love less than I used to. That way, I hope, would give me less pain too if I’m hurt by those I love. And it certainly works, kinda. Anyway, I also feel guilt. I love them completely, but not fully, how to say that..? Am I a terrible person for trying not to love so much?

Then, suddenly, there is hollowness all inside me. It seems that I overdo the ‘lessening-the-love’ thing, that it drains out all my feelings too. It feels like living in a body that walks around with mind that still works (hopefully), but has no soul in it. Wheeww.. eerie.. even for myself… Still gets the sparks sometimes, being happy, being sad, being angry (biggest flame), but mostly, being empty.

So now I pray, and will try to learn meditating (someone told it’s the best thing for me to do), that I can be humane again, not some kind of robot or zombie. So, you happy guys/gals out there, I still love you, ok.. I just don’t know how to show you right now, I’ll find a way, so don’t stop loving me (hehehe…). Anyway, please forgive me if you think I’ve been acting wierd towards you. It’s just not me, really… believe me… I’ll find my way back (promise… crossed my fingers).

I prefer to love than not to love, cause being not able to love hurts so much. That’s why people, LOOOVEEE…, and learn to LET GO. Be free and be happy. May all sentient beings be happy. Spread Love everywhere you go, not disease, ok… (what am I talking about? poor you who have to read this.. hahaha.., but thanks for wasting time on me)

Yeah… that’s what I think. Imagine, experiencing, yet, another earthquake here in my apartment in Jakarta. Wheww… what a relief it didn’t get ugly. Yeah.. yeah… like the one in Medan during that earthquake which caused tsunami in Aceh wasn’t enough experience for me, and still, it gave me quite a shock and panic last night.

I couldn’t sleep last night – old habit, so, when I was barely awake nor asleep, I felt like my bed was rumbling. I thought hubby being in a nightmare or slept restlessly, I turned aside to see nothing was wrong with him. Well… there must be something wrong with me then. This was it, my bloodwork or health was definitely detoriating. Otherwise, why was I feeling like I was hovering. But, it didn’t seem right, it usually didn’t this much ‘floating’ feeling. So, I sat up, and thought at once, “earthquake…”. I shook hubby up, he wasn’t aware of it, saying I was just thinking it up and told me to get back to sleep. Naturally, I couldn’t. I checked my curtain, the cord was swinging from side to side. Still not sure whether it was the wind from the aircon, I walked outside to see the lamp hanging above the dining table was moving too. That was it! I knew it! Earthquake! For real! Geezz….. what shoud I do? And the panic hit. 21^st floor up, babies were sleeping, how were we supposed to act? Carry them down the stairs? Well… hubby still showed his calm, and it was infectious. I was getting calmer, and left it all to God, praying it wouldn’t get worse, and waited, while listening to the noises of panic neighbours outside running down and looking out the window where lots of people already standing outside the parking lot. I still got the chance to think though, what idiots, running all the way down yet they were standing in front of the building, looking up. Yeew…. Waiting for it to collapse upon them? Should’ve been standing a little further away, ahoy……. (of course I didn’t scream at them…). Finally, we turned on the TV, some programs are still on, and the running text showed it was an earthquake at 7.0 Richter Scale somewhere below the sea under Indramayu (not very sure this is right, though). Not long later, after assured everything should be fine, I fell asleep.

Well… what kind of sixth sense am I actually referring to? FYI, I have just written my thoughts about deaths, ready to get it on my blog, but haven’t got the time yet. I was quite surprised when I tried to sleep last nite, thinking back of the incident, and what I wrote in that article. Here’s what I mean:

GRIEF & PEACE

What can you say about death…? Other than it brings grief, to the people left behind, and peace – hopefully – for the departed.

At least 3 deaths devastated me this past month.

The first came from a friend of mine in Medan, whose employee was struck by a public minibus while attempting to cross a busy road. It happened just a few days after my arrival in Medan during school holiday. She was still in her early 30s, single, being a good employee, and then there she was, being in a hit n run, carried and left in a hospital by some policeman. Not until her friend called her cell phone that they learned she was lying unconsciously in the hospital alley, UNTREATED, UNTENDED TO. When my friend and the girl’s family moved her to another hospital, she was barely alive, in a coma state already. Holding on for couple of days, she finally went on to the other world.

The second one came from me and my husband’s old friend, Ken. His wife, Ase, was also in a road accident. I’m not sure of the details, but it was also caused by public bus. It happened the day I was supposed to return to Jakarta from Medan. I was so shocked at getting the news, and hurried to try to attend her funeral. But alas, I wasn’t quick enough. And so, somewhere on the way, I called Ken, apologizing for not being able to make it (it was a Muslim funeral, and things were done fast), while praying that the family would be given strength to endure this calamity. And tears were bursting out my eyes, uncontrollably, until I had to stop by the roadside and gained control over them. I don’t know what happened that day, it was such a tearful day. Maybe it’s because I had to return to Jakarta again, living my mom alone once more in Medan. Well, you see, my sister was away, out of country that time. That night, as my plane was delayed, and I went to Sun Plaza to enjoy my last game at Amazone (hehehe…), I got the task to buy ‘nasi goreng’ across the mall. While I was trying to cross the road, it suddenly occurred to me, “Will this be my destiny too, (you know, good n bad things that come in three), that I will also be dead on the street..?” eeww… eerie…. But then I shook that thought away, and it all turned out well. Otherwise, you won’t be reading this, right…?

The third one, of course, was Taufik Savalas, whom I thought was the best comedian Indonesia has ever had. I don’t know why I liked him so much, even when he wasn’t trying to be funny, his face was always giving me such a funny and peaceful feeling. I don’t know how to describe it. I practically cried everytime I tuned on the TV and watched them broadcasting the accident, replayed his acts, everything about him passing away from this world hurt me in the heart. Woww… I never thought I would cry for him like this. I just felt it was such a waste and loss that he was gone so quickly, ‘cause so little good men are left, you know, the social loving caring types, like Mother Theresa and Lady Di. But he left something behind, which also reminded me again, his saying that we should always be grateful for everything we have, and to love other beings as equal. And so, I tried again to love those around me more, hubby, children, mother, sister, friends, everybody… you know, just in case my time comes next minute, I won’t regret this life coz I know I’ve been good and fair. I don’t wish to leave painful and sad memories for my family n friends, I hope to be remembered in every good n nice things I’ve said and done. I wish to be remembered with a smile, or even laughter. So guys.. please be happy for me when I’m not around anymore, forgive my wrong doings – don’t carry your hatred towards me in your heart, it hurts!!! I love you all too.. that’s why I want you to be happy, ok…? (may be I should leave a will, too? Hahahaha….)

Well… So many have gone ahead of me, and sometimes I think I envy them. I wonder if I can meet them again. But then I think of my daughters, especially the little one, maybe it won’t be fair for her to spend so little time with me, and it makes me continue to live this life. Hard life though, but I will try to be happy, for me myself, and for others. May God help me along the way till my time comes. May all of us always think of others in everything we say or do. May there be love all around us.

I LOVE YOU ALL…!!!

PS. This blog has been in my mind for so long, ever since I’m back in Jakarta, but my computer was making fun of me, and everything I wrote down that time was lost during the crash (some virus…). But then, I think it was a good thing too, cause I was so depressed, the sadness seemed to cling all over my head and body. I didn’t remember what I wrote, but it surely was sentimental, and embarrassing maybe. So, this one here is a better and healthy version of my grief. Thank God again… hahaha…